Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Break-up Wisdom

I was thinking of titling this post “break-up random thoughts”. But random thoughts are for amateur opinion of things I don’t have expertise in. Or maybe just, well, random thinking. Since I think I’m quite experienced in relationship, I’m confident enough to call this writing “wisdom”. Hoping that I can enlighten other breaking-up souls, entertain anyone who reads, even though it would be just a bunch of friends in the broken-heart club like Jeng Hesty and Miss Butterfly, or others who will gladly debate my term “experienced”.

Let’s consider break-up as relationship failure. Failure that gives us lessons and opens our eyes (you heard this many times after break-up, didn’t you?). Recent breakup taught me that mastering something doesn’t mean I also master everything else. I thought I have mastered the ability to need, want, and feel grateful of what I already have, so I won’t feel unsatisfied anytime and always desperately ask for more. Since most people can’t be grateful enough for what they have, I thought I was on the right track. But, alas, God decided that what I had was not good enough for me, and He took that away from me. So, I may already master gratefulness, but not choosing what’s best for me. Well, who does anyway?

What will you choose? Traveling the world or settling with someone who doesn’t have interest in traveling? And when you choose to settle, will you choose this song to express your feeling while you think it’s cheesy and too girlie for you, even though you like it? And come to think of this song, why is malay song always associated with accordion?


But break-up also lets you master something else; the break-up. The break-up management, which, as I said in previous post, is already said and wrote over and over by millions of people. Tips and advices you already heard, but only now really understand, absorb, and have to implement.

Advice such as the way to go through the moments after breaking-up, when you will have to learn the habit of not contacting him. Because when you think of him, you feel the love suddenly turns to hatred and anger, particularly if you’re the one being broken-up with. Worse if you’re being cheated on. You should control your emotion and try to stop asking why, why, why. And you’re amazed that of all the time you both spent with, the relationship you built with understanding, apparently what you known of him is just as much as you know of a stranger.

But among the hatred, anger, jealousy, all you can hope is he will be okay. There’s no way you can eliminate your love entirely, all you can do is decreasing it to the level which is irrelevant to your life. You can’t let him invade your mind anytime. I believe that love lasts forever. Well, some couple who already spent years together and find things get sour and in the face of divorce/breakup, will disagree on this. They’ll say they run out of love. But the people who already broke-up and move on will find that love does last. In the end, you wish that he will have a great life, and since now you can’t care of him much, you believe God will take care of him. You’ll realize that this is the time when platonic love works. Love through distant prayers. And when you bump into him years later, you’d be glad to find that he’s doing alright, and you’re doing alright, you even glad that you have broken up. You might have little chats, updating news of each other, be surprised to find his progress, but also with caring recognition of his personality in everything he does. That in whatever he does, this is the one you have known so well.

That level will be achieved after a no-contact policy. You won’t see him for a long time, won’t find out about his news for a long time, when you cut any connection so you can have time for yourself alone to decrease your feeling, getting used to new situation where no morning calls and short messages coloring your daily life. This no-color moment will let you move on and let go of past relationship. It’s your selfish time, only thinking about yourself; remaking your future plan without him while waiting for the hatred and anger disappear, and regaining self-confidence, which is tattered most after unpleasant breakup.

But that’s before the social network era.

Meh, my wisdom is five years late. I’m sorry folks, I haven’t had break-up for almost five years. Five years ago, when Facebook started booming, everyone in the world can declare their relationship and send lovely gifts, songs, and videos to their boyfriend/girlfriend. We can also microblog anything, including our deepest feeling on Twitter. So curse Zuckerberg, Dorsey, Williams, and Stone, for facilitating anything the breakups don’t need": latest news and photos of your ex. Especially when your ex is someone who is easily carried away by anyone close to him, including his new extrovert girlfriend who shares their affection publicly.

This doesn’t mean there’s no solution for the social network mess. You can just remove him from friends, hide him from your newsfeed, unfollow him, stop reading his unprotected tweets and blog. Case closed. Well, not really. Those news, updates, photos and tweets will still be delivered to your newsfeed and timeline by your mutual friends who comment and reply his updates. Hm… you would think twice to remove your friends, won’t you? Coz these mutual friends can be his/your siblings. So, what can I say, just grin and bear it :D Several friends of mine deactivate their accounts after break-up. But some of us can’t bear losing updates about our hundreds of friends just because of one person. Best you can do is try not to think of those updates. Keep your life busy (well I have to admit this wisdom’s not from me, but from movingontips on twitter hoho..)

And when I say you could have little chats with your ex, it means for a rare events. You might succeed in maintaining a good friendship with your ex, but doesn’t mean you can talk to him everyday. Even in the best relation-with-ex I have, I don’t chat more often than once in three months. Those rare events only enough to know latest news about each other; getting married (this might hurt, but is so important, trust me), new job, new babies, job promotion, moving out, family’s death, surviving natural disasters, etc, without interfering in each other’s lives.

So, if you’re still in your “selfish” moment, replan your new life. A life without him. Try to master the most mysterious task in life: making choices, and learn the yet-not-so-mysterious-at-all challenge in life: overcoming all the risks that come with your choice. Whether you will settle with someone better or travel the world. But who knows, maybe you are destined to do both.

*For SS :)


  1. I quite curious with words combination in English world. When you use the term break-up, is it mean there is no other word combination such break-in, break-out, or even break-down that can be used to indicated same phenomenon you identify with the chapter of this posting. Maybe you can explain the pattern, for I guess it includes in the meaning of Wisdom.

    BTW, if there such thing like break-up management, it could be something like break-up manager too. Perhaps you interested to apply. :p

  2. it's called phrasal verb:

    change the preposition (in, out, of, off, on, up, down), you'll change the meaning. this phrasal verb is the most annoying part of english. there's no easy way to learn it fast, you have to remember every each of them, the difference of take off, take up, take in, take away, take apart, take back, take out, take over. such fun, eh? :)

    only if it paid $1m :p but it's unlikely, since break-up management is easy to learn (although uneasy to implement), and there will be more people capable of being breakup manager, which will make them cheap labors ;D

  3. mau komen tapi belom selesai baca..abis bahasa inggrisnya canggih ajaaaa

  4. Deactivating your account works wonders. I did it once. I don't use social network much anyway, just to stalk people. And stalking after a breakup is a big no no. So, yeah, go and deactivate. (But, if you had a nice and civil breakup, let him/her know that you're going to disappear for awhile -- just to keep things nice).

  5. And that break-up management should be closed by OPEN YOUR HEART :)